How I Spend My Time

I’m starting to reflect on how I spend my time. Usually it’s the next day, when it’s too late to do anything about it, except try not to judge myself.  I’ve grouped my activities into  the following categories: having adventures, consuming, socializing, producing, worshipping, and being active. I would like to optimal balance between them all. Clearly, spending 100% of my time “consuming” does not honor my ability to create or to build relationships. Here’s how I define each one:

Adventure involves trying something new and interesting, possibly challenging. It could be going somewhere new to hike, bike, drive, or even roller-blade. Or eat. Trying a new restaurant counts. Or it could be attending a new social event. For example, this week I went to a Spanish Language meet-up that is still new for me. The key is that it took me out of my comfort zone.

Consuming just means reading (books or internet articles) or watching TV shows or movies. It includes playing games on the computer or iPad. Basically I’m putting stuff in my head without having to be active. So it’s how I relax.

Socializing is obviously spending time with people. The focus is on building relationships. I’m learning to focus on asking questions, not just talking about me, or cracking jokes the whole time. I want to engage people.

Producing means I’m creating something. I’m not into physical projects like carpentry or home improvement. For me, it’s writing (blogs, jokes, books) or even drawing (probably with pastels). Making excel spreadsheets or powerpoints at work counts too. I’ll count chores here.

Worshipping is time reading the bible, praying, or singing praise songs.

Being active is simply out of the house and moving around. My gym time counts, as does biking, jogging, or walking on trails or streets - long enough to get the blood moving.

Of course, there is often overlap among these. Going to church is worshipping while socializing. Seeing a movie with friends is socializing while consuming. Hiking a new park is being active while having an adventure.

As for value, it seems like consuming is the least useful. It may also be the one I do the most. I read the New York Times website at breakfast and CNN Money when I need a break at work. When I come home, I might play a level of Kingdom Rush before dinner and then watch an episode (or two) of a TV show on Netflix over dinner. Either I need a lot more relaxing time than other people, or I’m just easily amused. Maybe both.

Actually I’m doing pretty well socializing. I have recurring social activities 3 nights a week: Church on Sunday, Spanish speakers on Tuesday, and Church group on Wednesday. This past week I also went to a movie on Friday and an Art and Wine festival on Saturday.

While consuming is good for relaxing,  Socializing is good for my extroversion, and for having a Christian community to support me. Worshipping is good for my spirit, and for helping me treat others well. Adventures are good for warding off boredom and routine. Being active is just a way to keep my body running healthy. And producing makes me feel like I’m not just burning oxygen for no purpose.

I’m not going to start writing down my time - OK, maybe I will. But I’m trying to get a rough feel for how much time I spend in each area. Maybe I’ll say no to social events if I haven’t been active or productive in a while. And I certainly need to look for alternatives if I’ve just been consuming for most of the day. Or maybe I’ll give myself a consumption day.

Marriage, Divorce, Car Buying and Thankfulness

I don’t have a thread that ties all of these together, but maybe I will by the time I’m done writing this. They’re just the three topics that took all of my emotional attention this week.

On Saturday I started reading The Meaning of Marriage by Tim Keller. It has caused me look at how I got married to begin with. I’ve also been examining my thoughts and actions over the last few years in regards to tending to my marriage - or not. I took a lot for granted, and didn't dig in to warning signs. There are definitely some lessons to apply to whatever the future holds. I’m looking forward to the second half of the book.

A friend sent me a sermon on divorce from Austin Stone Church. The pastor makes some strong comments about God’s view of divorce. They weren’t easy to hear, but they were good for me to hear (I think).

I capped off the week making a car purchase. I spent 4 mentally exhausting hours at a dealership doing the test drive, the paperwork, the insurance, etc. My salesman spoke 6 languages, so we had fun chatting in Spanish and French. I took home a Gray 2004 Honda Civic Coupe manual with 131K miles. I splurged on one with a moonroof. I’d seen it on craigslist, so it wasn’t as much of an impulse purchase as it sounds. I’m having my mechanic check it on Monday morning. If all goes well, it will last me another 3 to 5 years. After several weeks of looking, it’s nice to think I may be done with my transportation challenges.

(The next day I spent 6 hours at a Hyundai dealership while my housemate leased a luxury sedan. Unfortunately he skipped lunch and had a bit of a diabetic episode. Now I know the signs and the treatment.)

Despite my gripes and struggles, I feel very blessed. I have friendships here that continue to grow and thrive. The weather is great, and the mountains are beautiful every day when I drive home from work or walk to dinner. I'm five minutes from a cozy, thriving downtown with fun restaurants. My church group is lively and passionate and fun.

Happy Easter!

Downtown Mountain View at Sunset

Food Truck after Easter service

Six Books That Saved My Marriage

In college my girlfriend told me “marriage is work.” While that was a new idea, it also immediately made sense. One of the ways I have worked on my marriage is by studying books about having a successful marriage. Here are the six books that have been most helpful, in the order I read them.

Point Man by Steve Farrar

This book is about as subtle as a Marine drill sergeant, but that’s exactly what a lot of us men need. A point man is a soldier assigned to be a lookout ahead of his team, which is the role Farrar wants every husband to play. We are called to be the advance scout keeping an eye out for threats to our marriage and family.

The key lesson I learned from this book was to be a “one-woman kind of man.” Farrar laments that we take marital infidelity too lightly. Society refers to it as an “affair”, which sounds like a happy place with merry-go-rounds and cotton candy, rather than an act of cheating on a promise you made to someone.

Farrar recommended the radical notion of not touching women outside the family (e.g. no hugs) and not doing things one-on-one with them either. As a touchy-feely extrovert, I realized this would be a good idea for me, especially at the start of my marriage. After all, if I didn’t touch another woman and I was never alone with one, then it would be really hard to have an affair – I mean, commit adultery.

The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman

This book opened my eyes to a phenomenon I had never imagined, yet has proven itself over and over for a decade. Chapman explains that what makes you feel loved is likely to be different from what makes your spouse feel loved. But your tendency will be to show them love your way, not their way.

So my love language is physical touch, but my wife’s is quality time. My reaction to tension between the two of us is to reassure her by giving her a hug or back rub. But that means I’m speaking my language, not hers. What she needs is for me to spend some time with her, not with the computer or errands or phone calls.

Having a common vocabulary becomes hugely powerful as well. We can talk about why one of us is not feeling like we’ve been getting loving attention and what to do about it.

If Only He Knew by Gary Smalley

I studied this book with a group of men from my church after I’d only been married a year or two. The key message I took away was this: if a marriage relationship is suffering, it is the husband’s duty to do something about it. He’s not allowed to pretend it doesn't exist and hope it goes away. He’s not allowed to get defensive if his wife points out a problem area. He doesn't get to blame her if the relationship is not working. He has ultimate responsibility for taking every action possible to heal whatever is wounded in the marriage.

This can be a controversial idea if you believe that marriage is a 50-50 proposition. You might say that both spouses are responsible for fixing problems, and that’s true to an extent. But if both are hurting too much to do something about it, it’s the man’s job to overcome his pain and initiate efforts to repair the marriage.

The Bible

There is a book of the Bible after Psalms and Ecclesiastes (“To everything…there is a season”) called Song of Songs (or Song of Solomon). It’s a book about sex. In the bible. In ancient, poetic, sensual language it describes the love-making between a husband and wife, both physical and emotional. Basically, God created sex and wants husbands and wives to experience it in abundance in a healthy way where they focus on each other's enjoyment. And pastors almost never preach from it.

In the New Testament, Paul offers sound advice in his letters to various churches. In 1^st Corinthians he describes how husbands and wives belong to each other and should not use sex as a bargaining chip. He also reminds us how true love does not boast and does not keep a record of someone’s failures. In the last section of Ephesians 5 he boils it down as “husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but feeds and cares for it.”

Sex Begins in the Kitchen by Kevin Leman

Leman is a hilarious author and speaker, so this is a fun read. Guys, the message here is that you have to take care of your wife and be her partner. Yes, you’re tired from work. So is she. You can still do your fair share of the evening’s chores, like cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the kids (as a leader, you can even do *more* than what’s fair, and treat your wife like a princess). On the other hand, if your wife is exhausted because she did all that by herself, where is she going to get the energy for lovemaking?

For Men Only by Jeff Feldhahn

Society says that women are complicated, and that dumb guys can never figure them out. The truth is that they’re not so complicated, just different. (And we’re not so dumb, either.) After his wife surveyed a bunch of men and wrote a book about what men need, Feldhahn surveyed women. He was shocked by what he found out. He was also glad, because it explained a lot of the frustration he had.

In particular, I learned that listening to my wife describe a problem is the only thing she needs. She doesn’t need me to tell her how I think she should solve it. Also, she is always, always, going to worry that we’ll be separated. And when she’s sad, she doesn’t need to be cheered up. She just needs a chance to be sad for a while.

As the son of an English instructor and a librarian (both with Ph.D.s) it’s not surprising that I’ve turned to books for advice. Maybe books aren’t your thing, but it wouldn’t hurt to read one of the ones above. Discuss it with your wife. If her love language is quality time, you’ll be a hit. Or talk about it with some of your guy friends. The ones who care about their marriages, not the macho or goofy ones. Because it’s kind of silly to have all this rich information at your fingertips and not use it to invest in a marriage that will last a lifetime.

What, or who, has taught you the most about marriage or relationships?